I have been a little bit stressed out lately. Thats not true. The truth is that lately my Stress-O-Meter has been pinging off the charts.
For quite some time it has been hard for me to clear space in my head for an uninterrupted thought. Each breath, each heartbeat, has been punctuated by a thousand worries and aggravations.
I am getting the feeling I am creeping out my friends and coworkers when I look at them with the crazy eye. So in an effort to regain my center (and stop freaking out the people in my life) I have begun exploring the practice of meditation.
I’m not going to lie, I thought it would be pretty easy. If there are two things I have mastered in life it is sitting and relaxing.
I decided to drag my ottoman outside into the sunshine for a little bit of quiet reflection. I used an iPhone app for meditation (I don’t know if that qualifies as irony or if it is just pathetic) and started with a 5 minute program.
The voice on the app was telling me to relax and focus on my breathing, which made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. It was like I actually forgot how to inhale and exhale. I was so worried about taking nice deep breaths that I was barely getting any oxygen into my lungs. I was supposed to be focusing on the sensation of the air entering and leaving my nostrils, but all I could think was “Holy Crap! I Can’t Breathe!’, which was not at all calming or relaxing.
I think I actually experienced performance anxiety about my meditation. I am going to keep trying this “focus on the breathing thing” but so far meditation is kicking my butt. And so, the crazy eye remains.