Since watching the new Muppet movie last week, I have been on a major Muppet Show kick.  Season two is keeping me company right now, and I am loving the Poe-flavor of the Fears of Zero skit.

Fears of Zero
Jerry Juhl
~Written for The Muppet Show~ 

Late, late at night,
The world sleeps…
And I am here alone,
And here I come some nights
To confront my fears.
They’re here, my fears.
They are always with me,
Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting.
They come!
And they go.
But though they are gone,
They are never far.
And here, alone at night,
I can confront them.
There they are, confronted fears!
Fears of hunger, fears of pain… Ow!
Fears of missing the last train.
Fear of dentists always drilling,
Fear that no one will be willing
To see me as I know I really am.
Once they are counted and compelled,
They can quickly be dispelled.
Like figments of my own imagination.
But always…
There are other fears.
Fears of snakes, fears of cats,
Fears of maitre d’s and rats.
An irrational black terror
That someday I may get fat.
Fear of elevators falling
And the taxman someday calling
And the accidental walling of myself
Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar,
Where the spiders weave around my tummy,
And the worms and bugs and crawly things
Squirm and squiggle at me person.
Oh, I love it!
Once they are counted and compelled,
They can quickly be dispelled.
But then…
There are other fears.
Fears of bullets, there’s a dread.
Fear of baldness on the head.
Fear of waking up one morning
To discover that you are dead.
Once they are counted and compelled,
They can quickly be dispelled.
Like figments of my own imagination.
Then there is the last fear,
Just about the time when I’m past fear.
The one that really is final.
It will come yours… and mine’ll.
In the darkest of the night,
It will come without a fight.
It will count me and compel me,
It will casually dispell me
For I am just a figment
Of its own imagination.